dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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