When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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