Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
