Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
