I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm like, not good at living.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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