They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
