remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
