I'm jealous of your bromance
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
