I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
40s are totally the cure
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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