We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
