**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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