he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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