im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
