apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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