Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
