its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
We had to coat check the pizza.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
