Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
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