I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
