my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
