It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
