Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
