In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
