He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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