If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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