Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
