The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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