i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
