Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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