yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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