I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Holy shit dude........stairs
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
