In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
