I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
