Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
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Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize