His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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