No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
