i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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