This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
