the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
