Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
