I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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