Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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