My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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