If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
