i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
