I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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