maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
