my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
