he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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