i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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