My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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