If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
