What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
