the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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