If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
