I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
