Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
