Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
