Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
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It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
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No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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